miracles

so for a few years now, the thought of death crops into my head more and more frequently. i think about the whole cycle of life from as many angles as i can. its alot to take in, if you really think about it. when i was in my 20's i never even fathomed growing old and dying. i just took my youth for granted, like it would never stop. then at about 25, i had an epiphany standing in the living room of my house in german villiage. "holy shit" i thought to myself. "im not going to be young forever, time is moving fast!" and from then, time just keeps ticking away, the years keep passing by, and here i am today..32 years old, 2 awesome boys that i love, and a boyfriend who i like, the father of my children. i wont get into the whole love thing right now, i might love him, but i need to fully trust him, then i will love him..but i digress
so here i am, working as a minion cook in a cool restaurant, 'stuck' in columbus, stuck w/ my life, my bf, my situation. when im having hormonal flucuations i start thinking about death, religion, spirituality...but mostly death because at this point i think its safe to say that im agnostic.
i do community service at this church. the father is this really amazing humanitarian, and just a genuine, good, big-hearted person. i've wanted to pique his brains on things pertaining to my fear of growing old/dying, but i've never brought it up, because i didnt want the conversation to turn into him trying to make me accept jesus into my heart and that will magically solve all my problems. so im cleaning the kitchen, and he's making chili, and he brings up me becoming part of their 'family'....and by this im assuming he means start going to church every sunday. so without trying to sound like a dick, i say that im not sure how i feel about faith/a christian god. i proceed to tell him why- the human species is the only one that understands our fate of eminent death, so we made up gods and religion and afterlife to sooth our fears, and we're not as special as we like to think we are.
in response, as i remember it, he told me how we are spirtual beings that dont even need this body to exist. he didnt force me to believe jesus is the one the only way, nor did he try to explain why my beliefs are wrong, which was relieving. he even told me how he had once turned his back on the church, on all things spiritual. he asked me if i believe in miracles. in healing, and how many hopeless scenarios played out where people miraculously healed from tumors, cancer and the like. in that very church. hmmmmmm..the look on my face might have looked skeptical at best, given that i dont really believe that miracles are real. however.....i would like to have something really awesome to believe in, like miracles..so i listen as he talks. he asks me if i need a miracle in my life, i thought about my health, and its good, so i couldnt really think of anything. he asks me whats bothering me, and this is where i got all teary-eyed, thinking about my life, my stagnent situation, this feeling of disappointment, like "this is it? im 32 and havent done shit with my life" feeling. he said im living in a debilitating fear. he tells me to pick up this textbook called "A Course in Miracles"
ironically, just moments before our conversation, i dropped my phone in a bucket of murphys oil soap water. i shut it off before it was totally dead.  i was fearing this would happen before it actually happened. i said to myself "wouldnt that suck if i dropped my precious phone in the bucket?" so i did and it sucked. strange thing is, i never really freaked out about it like you would think i would. i love my iphone, i use it non-stop, its my only source of internets, and all my gay social networking. and texting. how does one exist w/o it? right now my phone is laying in 2 parts on the desk beside me. it looks dry. i want to put it back together. i just have a feeling that it will turn back on. but if it doesnt than i will not believe in miracles. however, if it does turn on then i am buying the book and reading it, so father and i can continue our discussion, and i can ask him about the book. so really this could be the very beginning of some crazy spiritual journey that opens a whole new chapter of peace and understanding in my life. and it all hangs on whether or not my phone turns back on. i mean,  crazier things have happened....